Vampinions

Reviewing stuff so you don't have to

Friday, March 30, 2007

Spider Man 3 - "A web-slinging good time that cuts through all the bullshit."



Pros
Foreman from 'That 70's Show' is in it


Cons
New all black outfit may prove to be perilous Halloween costume for children everywhere





Full Review
Now some may find it odd to review a movie that hasn't even been released yet. Some may even call it an act of absurdity or incomprehension. But let's not forget ludicrous. Because that's what I am! Ludicrous for the new Spider Man film. Or '3' as it is known in poster form. In this latest epic our friendly neighbourhood Toby McGuire will be wielding his spidey senses at some formidable new foes. Foes like that guy from 'Wings'. And the Anti-Spider Man. A villainous, dark creature with the power to be a Spider Man. Oh cruel irony. Thou's tears taste bittersweet.

I'd have to say that this is the best film of the year. Or at least definitely within the top five along with Ghost Rider and Ocean's 15. Now I haven't seen the film yet. But I have seen the trailer. Actually a few different versions of the trailer. Numerous times. Along with some recorded entertainment news pieces on the upcoming film. As well as some home video footage of the film shoot I captured from the roof of an adjacent warehouse. Now using all this footage I've collected I've managed to piece together what I believe to be an accurate portrayal of the finished film. It's approximately eight and half minutes long and is loaded with dynamite! Action, suspense and romance sizzle up the screen in webby goodness. You get so sucked into the thrills that the time just flies by. You'd barely believe that the movie was nearly a sixth of an hour long.

Now I don't want to ruin your film going experience with any 'spoilers' but I will say that Spider Man dies at the end. Along with some other pivotal characters who are never introduced properly. Like his elderly mother and that cute girl from 'Saved By The Bell'. The film ends with a series of extremely fast cuts and flashes of action. So fast and jarring that I'm assuming it is an explosion in the city of Metropolis. An explosion that Spider Man sets off himself. It turns out that this is the only way he can defeat his mortal enemies. By sacrificing himself, his home and everyone he loves for the good of mankind except for those thousands of innocent people he inevitably killed through his self-less act. Curse you wretched irony again! Your horns gore us with loathsome beauty!

Top notch stuff.

The Bottom Line
Despite having not been released for another month, it is highly likely that this film has already been slated to win the Academy Award, the Screen Actor's Guild Award as well as the Palme d'Or. And probably a couple of Emmy's somehow.

2 Comments:

At Mar 30, 2007, 3:02:00 PM, Blogger r a z said...

man, i hope with all my might that spiderman 3 wins the golden palm. i heard that the prince of monacco is gonna be in attendance like he always is. man, what the fuck is that fucking guy doing other than attending shitty awards shows?! man, you've got a fucking monacco to run fucker! man, all those wickid arabs are counting on you to help with the pyramids and camels and shit..

 
At Nov 10, 2008, 8:18:00 PM, Anonymous Elvina said...

Thanks for writing this.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home