E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial - 'A really good movie often over-looked.'

Pros
Disgusting leathery dwarf-like creature not as terrifying as it may sound


Cons
Too many commercial interruptions





Full Review

This movie is fantastic! A pure gem. I just couldn't get enough of that cuddly little troll. I first came across this hidden treasure on TNT's the Superstation one Sun evening as I was hopping around the channels during a commercial break from Iron Chef. I missed about the first 10 or 15 minutes of the film but I'm pretty sure I got the gist of it. Apparently there's this family that moves into a house in California. Everything is going fine until one night one of the kids discovers that there is a small troll-like creature living amongst them. Eating candy, drinking all their beer and hiding out with a pack of stuffed animals. But don't worry, this isn't one of those menacing child-eating trolls like you find under bridges. This is a friendly troll who likes people and plants apparently. His name is ET which stands for Extraordinary Troll (I'm assuming). I thought the whole story was captivating! The chemistry between the boy and the monster was surprisingly charming. It was a little hard to keep track of the story as I kept flipping back to see if Iron Chef Chinese Chen Kenichi would defend his title for the third straight week in a row but I'm pretty sure I was able to follow the important bits. Supposedly ET and the kid get some sort of disease like ebola or emphysima cause they get really sick and wind up lost in the woods searching desperately for a phone so they can call home and all these doctors in contamination suits try and rescue them. But alas, for it is too late as they wind up in hospital and (*SPOILER ALERT*) ET dies. Then another commercial came on and I switched around and got caught up in Robot Wars for a bit and when I switched back the credits were rolling so I'm assuming that was the end of the movie. Kind of a bummer to end on a down note like that but I still liked it. Definitely taught me a lesson about not judging people by their appearance because they may end up being your best friend and then next thing you know *poof!* they're dead. Life is fleeting, much like ET. Thank you you crazy waddling little goblin for letting us laugh at love.

On a side note Chen Kenichi was able to pull off yet another victory by narrowly defeating the challenger in a cook-off featuring surprise theme ingredient....eggplant.

The Bottom Line

I love this film because ET drinks beer, watches TV and dresses up in ladies clothes....just like me!

The Legend of Drunken Master - 'So mush drinkning and kicking...just like my reel life'

Pros
like having yuor own personel drinking buddy in kung foo form

Cons
Usally pass out in teh middel of my third veiwing





Full Review
This movi e was a blast and a half. I loved to watch it and i watch it againa and again. It is calle drunken master the legend of Jacky Chan. In itt he has super powers from drinking. I did't know you can have super power from drinkin g. But i now i realise tahnks to mr awesaome Jakcy Chan. So Im drinking alot more know. even More than before. im learning that my drinking problem is actyiually a drinking talent,. When i wathc this movie, i has to be drunk. just like jacky. And i watch this move alot. in fact i just watched it aghain nopw so i figure i'll write a reveiw of it to let teh world now how much i love it. I think tehy can too. Espesialy if they are looking for an excus to drink. Or if they need someone to d rink with. Ill come over and drink wirh you if yuo want. i have the movie on vhs so you got to have a vhs machoine. No Beta !!!
so to sum up in a conclusion I recomend everytone to this movie because it is so fantstic. so much kicking and flying. i alwyas kick poeple higher an d punch them hardr when i am drunk too. Its soo good. i think i'll watch uit again right now,..... .. ... But first i thin i should lie down.

The Bottom Line
I fyou like to get druink and yuo like punching and kiscking random strangers then this iss teh movie for you

Freddy vs. Jason - 'Interesting concept'

Pros
Easy to remember title of film

Cons
Promotes senseless violence with controversial term 'VS'







Full Review

When I first heard about this movie being made I thought, 'God! How awful and distasteful to have a movie in which Freddy Mercury and Jason Priestly go head to head in a bloody free-for-all battle of mind and fist!' Then the more I thought about it the more I realized this is exactly the type of film we've been needing for a good long while. I mean who wouldn't want to see the flamboyant and former frontman of Queen and 90210 teenage hearthrob 'Brandon Walsh' smack each other about the face and neck for an hour and a half. Not I! (Meaning it is not I who wouldn't want to see it resulting in me wanting to see it) Then I remembered that Freddy Mercury had passed away some time ago due to tuberculosis or meningitis or something like that, so how on earth would he be available for filming. And it was then that I remembered the magic of 'film digitizing effects and animation'! You could easily get any old actor like Terence Stamp or Peter Sellers to play him and then digitally 'effectisize' him (as they call it in the industry) to resemble Freddy Mercury. And then I thought wouldn't it be great if they computerly enhanced both actors to be more than ten times their normal size and they could crash about the downtown metropolis smashing buildings with their flailing limbs and crushing trucks with their massive feet all while punching each other in the kidneys and scratching each other's eyes out. And I started to get really really excited about the film!! And it was then that a friend of mine told me that it wasn't Mercury and Priestly in a gruesome death match after all but rather Freddy Krueger and Jason from those 'Freaky Friday' movies who would be trying to kill each other and I thought 'that's stupid.' Who the hell wants to see that?

What's a Freddy Krueger by the way?

The Bottom Line
This is definitely a film that has been completed and is available for viewing at many reputable video shops.

The Beatles: Yellow Submarine - 'Finally, an accurate portrayal of the real-life Beatles story.'

Pros
Easy to follow story despite incomprehensible england-ish accents

Cons
Vibrant colors may induce flashbacks...if you were one of the cool kids who did acid





Full Review

When Walter Disney first approached The Beatles in the early 60's and proposed the idea of creating a biographical film of their lives in animated form their initial reaction was one of an astonished 'Cor Blimey!' or as Ringo stated 'That puts me melon in a right kerfuffle.' But luckily for us they agreed. For now we have the beautiful and true-to-life retelling of the fab five's story that is 'Yellow Submarine'.

In this film the animated likenesses of John, Paul, Ringo and the other one bound through the screen in all their animated glory playing through how they first found themselves far from their home planet of Pepperland and stuck on this distant little blue world we call The World. Apparently they are quite the adventurers. They ride about on a floating submarine painted yellow (hence the name of the film....also the name of their national anthem played during the opening credits).

The story begins with a horrific war between the Beatle people and the Blue Meanies which are some sort of mutant totalitarian government. The Beatles are summoned from their secret lair to fight these monsters. However these noble warriors do not fight with swords or hand-grenades but rather with the power of songs and words and love. But it doesn't work. For they are cast out into the emptiness of space. Banished forever and forced to float endlessly through the universe facing many hardships along the way such as growing old incredibly fast and being forced to write a song about it.

Later they find a strange dwarf-like creature who they call a nowhere man and has the super ability to do the combined nothing of ten men. He was kind of an annoying character so I pretty much tuned him out.

Later the Beatles finally find themselves on the planet 'London' (as they believe it to be called, rather then the country London as it actually is). They grow to love their new home and decide to stay. And thank heavens for us they did. For who knows where we would be without these strange minstrels who just happened upon our globe from out of the middle of the cosmos. One shudders to even imagine it. Hell, they may have ended up in Italy. You think those poppy rock harmonics work with a mediterranean accent? You better think again Guido!

The Bottom Line
All Beatles fans should see this film if only for the scene in which they sing of cleaning the palace along with dancing inanimate objects

Labyrinth - 'Definitely not just for stoners.'

Pros
The David Bowie muppet is so life-like it surpasses one's imagination.

Cons
Crushes ones soul upon realization that goblins and midgets do not actually exist.





Full Review

Goodness me! Whoever said that the coupling of David Bowie and Jim Henson was an image too disgustingly foul to even fathom can officially consider him-or-herself crazy. Personally I found the pairing enchantable. To see David Bowie prance about the screen in those hip hugging breeches amongst thousands of rubbery puppets while he sang of kidnapped babies left me in a dreamworld. A world where dwarves and young beautiful actresses can finally co-exist in harmony. Unlike in the real world.

I have been a fan of both David Bowie and Jim Henson since I was a young boy and I've often thought of the prospect of these two icons working together. Perhaps late at night in a stuffy office. Feeling uninhibited enough to maybe loosen a few buttons on their now sweat soaked shirts. And lo, mine prayers were answered. For now we have the wonder that is 'Labyrinth'. When I first looked into those Ziggy Stardust eyes gazing back at me from the screen I too felt like a young Jennifer Connelly. Lost and frightened. Alone in this maze-like world they call 'Labyrinth'. Trying desperately to make my way to this prince so that he and I may join together at last and raise the stolen baby to become King of the Goblin Puppets! While David and I sit side by side upon our thrones which are also puppets. Drinking wine and listening to all his records pre-1994. I also love the way you never see the puppeteers arms....very professional.

All in all I cannot recommend this movie enough. And I am being completely honest in that statement. I have tried recommending it over and over and over again. To friends, family members, cashiers at the grocery store and it is never enough. Some say it has become somewhat of an unhealthy obsession and was perhaps the reasoning behind my girlfriend leaving me. To those people I simply look them in the eye and say 'You remind me of the babe.'

The Bottom Line
Do not let society's harsh prejudices against talking dolls sway you. Not only is their acting both emotional and precise, but they provide excellent backing vocals.

My good chum Raz drew this picture of me......

....and it is still to date the best looking photo of me.


Damn i'm good looking.