Reviewing stuff so you don't have to

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Ghost Ship - 'Good wholesome terror amongst the open seas.'

If the poster is this good, imagine how great the movie will be

Brian Cox is not in it

Full Review
When is a ship not a ship? When it's a ghost ship! A ship that is a ghost. That is the plot of this terrifying new horror flick about a ship that has been ruthlessly murdered and comes back in ghost form to avenge its wrongful death I'm assuming. This is a fantastic film probably! Just the thought alone of a spooky, scary ship returning from the grave to morbidly haunt the ocean is enough to send chills down my spine. Don't get me wrong. A film like this can easily miss its mark. But this film was made with some class. Opting for the use of a scary skull face on the front of the ship rather than the campy bed sheet draped over the hull so common with the genre.

The film is also supported by an amazing, star studded cast. Featuring the likes of Gabriel Byrne, who gave us such memorable roles as the exorcist in The Exorcist and Keyser Soyse In Keyser Soyse's Usual Suspicion, as well as Julianna Margulies who played a hispanic maid on ER. They're combined acting skills should help make your cruise along the creepy seas a horrifying and shocking one. Not to mention 'fun!'. "Welcome to the Ghost Ship, sir and/or madam. How can I help you?" "More chills please."

In conclusion, I would whole heartedly recommend this film to anyone who is looking for some frightfully, good fun. I myself plan on catching this instant horror classic at one of the many luxurious theaters near me very soon. Perhaps accompanied by a young lady with whom I can enjoy a good spook with and may one day carry my seed. But for now, the next time you're out just relaxing in the middle of the ocean minding your own business, keep watching your back.....there may be ghost ships about.

The Bottom Line
Without trying to over-hype it, I'd have to say this film will most likely change your life forever and probably fulfil your every hope and desire.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Madagascar - 'Frolicking good fun without all the fornication.'

Animal characters' genitalia extremely small and indistinguishable

Giraffe sounded a lot like that annoying guy from 'Friends'

Full Review
Do you like animated films? No? Well then, you'll love Madagascar! The people at Dreamwords have finally given us a rare glimpse into the everyday lives of some of our most wildest animals. Like lions. And hippos. And Chris Rock. Little did I know what the true nature of animal was until I witnessed what happens when the lights are off and mankind has shut the gates on his metaphorical prison we call "The Zoo" (pronounced 'zu'). It turns out they are fully developed and complex characters. Brimming with dreams and hopes and an incredible gift for song and dance.

Before I saw this film, I'm sad to say, I had always thought rather poorly of our four footed friends. Filthy creatures. Who wallowed in their own feces and devoured their young. But now I can see them for what they truly are. Walking, talking, wise-cracking members of a thriving community who seem to be living a more developed and enriching life than my own. And I say "Well done, animals. Well done indeed."

I would recommend this film to anyone who has ever seen an animal or thinks there may be a chance of seeing one in their future. Then and only then can you truly appreciate what these furry, feathered beasts have to offer us. If only more people knew that by simply leaving a camera on in a room or cage with an animal in it and then walking away, making a point to check that the animal is watching you leave (try tipping your hat and saying 'Goodnight, animal.' as you walk out the door), we would see these theatrical beasts come to life. But alas. This would require the use of hundreds and hundreds of cameras recording footage for literally hours on end. The cost of which would be so staggering that apparently only the top film studios have both the funding and the equipment for this endeavour.

But do not fret. For in the meantime, we have the treasure that is 'Madagascar'. In it there is a lion who tells his buddy the zebra that they should go to the jungle, which they do. Afterwards, they sing a song about it. I think there was also some penguins in it. Available at many reputable video shops. As for me, I'll be hiding in my closet with the camcorder on, trying to catch my cat do slap stick on the bed.

The Bottom Line
This is a tremendously fun and wholesome film that I would eagerly share with my children were I still allowed visitation rights.