Reviewing stuff so you don't have to

Friday, March 30, 2007

Spider Man 3 - "A web-slinging good time that cuts through all the bullshit."

Foreman from 'That 70's Show' is in it

New all black outfit may prove to be perilous Halloween costume for children everywhere

Full Review
Now some may find it odd to review a movie that hasn't even been released yet. Some may even call it an act of absurdity or incomprehension. But let's not forget ludicrous. Because that's what I am! Ludicrous for the new Spider Man film. Or '3' as it is known in poster form. In this latest epic our friendly neighbourhood Toby McGuire will be wielding his spidey senses at some formidable new foes. Foes like that guy from 'Wings'. And the Anti-Spider Man. A villainous, dark creature with the power to be a Spider Man. Oh cruel irony. Thou's tears taste bittersweet.

I'd have to say that this is the best film of the year. Or at least definitely within the top five along with Ghost Rider and Ocean's 15. Now I haven't seen the film yet. But I have seen the trailer. Actually a few different versions of the trailer. Numerous times. Along with some recorded entertainment news pieces on the upcoming film. As well as some home video footage of the film shoot I captured from the roof of an adjacent warehouse. Now using all this footage I've collected I've managed to piece together what I believe to be an accurate portrayal of the finished film. It's approximately eight and half minutes long and is loaded with dynamite! Action, suspense and romance sizzle up the screen in webby goodness. You get so sucked into the thrills that the time just flies by. You'd barely believe that the movie was nearly a sixth of an hour long.

Now I don't want to ruin your film going experience with any 'spoilers' but I will say that Spider Man dies at the end. Along with some other pivotal characters who are never introduced properly. Like his elderly mother and that cute girl from 'Saved By The Bell'. The film ends with a series of extremely fast cuts and flashes of action. So fast and jarring that I'm assuming it is an explosion in the city of Metropolis. An explosion that Spider Man sets off himself. It turns out that this is the only way he can defeat his mortal enemies. By sacrificing himself, his home and everyone he loves for the good of mankind except for those thousands of innocent people he inevitably killed through his self-less act. Curse you wretched irony again! Your horns gore us with loathsome beauty!

Top notch stuff.

The Bottom Line
Despite having not been released for another month, it is highly likely that this film has already been slated to win the Academy Award, the Screen Actor's Guild Award as well as the Palme d'Or. And probably a couple of Emmy's somehow.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

300 - 'A manly romp with only a few homo-erotic undertones.'

Brief nudity not so brief

Despite it's masculine rugged overtones this film actually makes you feel like less of a man

Full Review
These days everyone is talking about '300'. "Have you seen the trailer for 300?" "I hear 300 is over six hours long." "Do numbers really go as high as 300?" The reason is simple. Everyone is going wild for what could quite possibly be the funniest, rip-roaringest, laugh out loud comedy of the year. I loved this movie! I was rolling in the aisles. Literally. There were numerous times I was so doubled over with laughter I physically fell out of my chair and tumbled between the seats. One guy punched me in the head. Ah, but it was worth it. I hadn't had that much fun at a movie since that one time I sneaked in a five pound bag of reese's pieces I bought at the bulk barn.

This new comedy comes from the same team that brought us 'Sin City', the gritty sci-fi thriller about black and white aliens living on earth and the prejudices they must endure. In this latest epic, they take a look at the lighter side of the Spartan/Persian war of ancient Greece. A time when men fought for honour and digitally generated beasts roamed the earth. The story focuses primarily on a group of 300 Spartans with varying accents who must rally together to stop an evil horde of filthy Persians. Even more filthy than the Persians of today. And stop them they do. With hilarious results! It's absolutely refreshing to see that the treasured art of slap-stick has not been lost on the film makers of today. I also understand that this film is actually an adaptation of a graphic novel. Well, if the book is half as funny as the movie I think I may have finally found something to replace my worn out compilation copy of Gary Larson's 'Far Side' cartoons.

Another interesting aspect of the film is the stunning visual interpretation of it. Opting to limit the look of the movie to just a few basic colours. Giving an accurate portrayal of the historical atmosphere of ancient Greece when colours were scarce. Rich yellows scorch the earth. Deep blues drown the sky. Bold reds accentuate the Spartans' scrotal areas. I was in a dreamworld....and I didn't want to leave. But leave I must. And I did. Eventually. Approximately 45 minutes after the credits ended when the theater manager telephoned the police and I was escorted outside. Ah, but it was worth it.

The Bottom Line
This movie is not only a rollicking good time but is also filled with heartfelt lessons that can be attributed to many aspects of your own life. Like honour. And confronting obstacles. But not the whole walking around in red diapers thing. This is apparently frowned upon in modern society.