Harry Potter vs The X-Men - "A cinematic masterpiece of the highest order."

Pros
Pits magical children against mutants, the way God intended


Cons
Still unsure who to root for





Full Review

Very rarely are our lives graced with amazing films. Films that can only be described as an exquisite display of genius and artistry. A veritable tour de force that not only enriches our lives but entertains as well. This is such a film. Harry Potter vs The X-Men. An astounding portrayal of heroism and perseverance as the young wizards of Hogwart's face off against the sexy mutants of The X-Men. Captivating. Now I know some of you right now are thinking to yourself, "Hmm, why haven't I heard of this extraordinary milestone in film history?" Well, that is because it hasn't been made yet. Operative word being 'yet'. But I've thought long and hard about this and it is only a matter of time, a small amount of time mind you, before this amazing premise is transferred to the silver screen. Forever capturing itself in our imagination and our hearts.

The story is quite simple. Harry Potter and his band of plucky wizards and witches do battle against the ferocious Wolverine and his team of mutated super beings. Firing their wands desperately into the air as they fend off lasers, claws and other various powers of the uncanny X-Men. But don't get this movie wrong. It's not just about the fighting. There are lessons to be learned as well. And our heroes learn them in spades. Perhaps at one point Ice Man will find himself dealing with the agony of loss as he watches his best friend Fire Man be disintegrated by the wizard's dark powers. Meanwhile Harry Potter and his adolescent colleagues may have to come to terms with their awkward passage into maturity as they are persistently struck down by lightning and powerful men made of metal. Oh, and there could be a love story too! Probably that one Harry Potter girl could fall in love with Gambit and he can fall in love with her even though it could never work out seeing as they are on opposing sides of a battle that is currently happening all around them. Now that's just good writing.

So in conclusion, I think it's safe to say that despite this film's current lack of existence it will undoubtedly be accepted as one of the instant classics of this or any other generation upon it's inevitable release. Ranking itself right up there with other cinematic treasures like The Godfather, Apocalypse Now and Indiana Jones in the Land of Shrek. For now, I sit in quiet enthusiasm comforted in the knowledge that a work of such emotional breakthrough will soon be upon us. Any year now. Yup. They're probably scoring the music this very moment. Listen. If you strain hard enough you can almost make out it's sweet melody.

The Bottom Line

I would wholeheartedly recommend this movie to any fans of great cinema. I would also recommend it to people who don't really like movies at all. It's a perfect family film that children and teens alike will enjoy while at the same time be adored by seniors everywhere. Hell, fuckin dogs and cats will love this movie.

Spider Man 3 - "A web-slinging good time that cuts through all the bullshit."

Pros
Foreman from 'That 70's Show' is in it


Cons
New all black outfit may prove to be perilous Halloween costume for children everywhere





Full Review

Now some may find it odd to review a movie that hasn't even been released yet. Some may even call it an act of absurdity or incomprehension. But let's not forget ludicrous. Because that's what I am! Ludicrous for the new Spider Man film. Or '3' as it is known in poster form. In this latest epic our friendly neighbourhood Toby McGuire will be wielding his spidey senses at some formidable new foes. Foes like that guy from 'Wings'. And the Anti-Spider Man. A villainous, dark creature with the power to be a Spider Man. Oh cruel irony. Thou's tears taste bittersweet.

I'd have to say that this is the best film of the year. Or at least definitely within the top five along with Ghost Rider and Ocean's 15. Now I haven't seen the film yet. But I have seen the trailer. Actually a few different versions of the trailer. Numerous times. Along with some recorded entertainment news pieces on the upcoming film. As well as some home video footage of the film shoot I captured from the roof of an adjacent warehouse. Now using all this footage I've collected I've managed to piece together what I believe to be an accurate portrayal of the finished film. It's approximately eight and half minutes long and is loaded with dynamite! Action, suspense and romance sizzle up the screen in webby goodness. You get so sucked into the thrills that the time just flies by. You'd barely believe that the movie was nearly a sixth of an hour long.

Now I don't want to ruin your film going experience with any 'spoilers' but I will say that Spider Man dies at the end. Along with some other pivotal characters who are never introduced properly. Like his elderly mother and that cute girl from 'Saved By The Bell'. The film ends with a series of extremely fast cuts and flashes of action. So fast and jarring that I'm assuming it is an explosion in the city of Metropolis. An explosion that Spider Man sets off himself. It turns out that this is the only way he can defeat his mortal enemies. By sacrificing himself, his home and everyone he loves for the good of mankind except for those thousands of innocent people he inevitably killed through his self-less act. Curse you wretched irony again! Your horns gore us with loathsome beauty!

Top notch stuff.

The Bottom Line

Despite having not been released for another month, it is highly likely that this film has already been slated to win the Academy Award, the Screen Actor's Guild Award as well as the Palme d'Or. And probably a couple of Emmy's somehow.

300 - 'A manly romp with only a few homo-erotic undertones.'

Pros
Brief nudity not so brief


Cons
Despite it's masculine rugged overtones this film actually makes you feel like less of a man





Full Review

These days everyone is talking about '300'. "Have you seen the trailer for 300?" "I hear 300 is over six hours long." "Do numbers really go as high as 300?" The reason is simple. Everyone is going wild for what could quite possibly be the funniest, rip-roaringest, laugh out loud comedy of the year. I loved this movie! I was rolling in the aisles. Literally. There were numerous times I was so doubled over with laughter I physically fell out of my chair and tumbled between the seats. One guy punched me in the head. Ah, but it was worth it. I hadn't had that much fun at a movie since that one time I sneaked in a five pound bag of reese's pieces I bought at the bulk barn.

This new comedy comes from the same team that brought us 'Sin City', the gritty sci-fi thriller about black and white aliens living on earth and the prejudices they must endure. In this latest epic, they take a look at the lighter side of the Spartan/Persian war of ancient Greece. A time when men fought for honour and digitally generated beasts roamed the earth. The story focuses primarily on a group of 300 Spartans with varying accents who must rally together to stop an evil horde of filthy Persians. Even more filthy than the Persians of today. And stop them they do. With hilarious results! It's absolutely refreshing to see that the treasured art of slap-stick has not been lost on the film makers of today. I also understand that this film is actually an adaptation of a graphic novel. Well, if the book is half as funny as the movie I think I may have finally found something to replace my worn out compilation copy of Gary Larson's 'Far Side' cartoons.

Another interesting aspect of the film is the stunning visual interpretation of it. Opting to limit the look of the movie to just a few basic colours. Giving an accurate portrayal of the historical atmosphere of ancient Greece when colours were scarce. Rich yellows scorch the earth. Deep blues drown the sky. Bold reds accentuate the Spartans' scrotal areas. I was in a dreamworld....and I didn't want to leave. But leave I must. And I did. Eventually. Approximately 45 minutes after the credits ended when the theater manager telephoned the police and I was escorted outside. Ah, but it was worth it.

The Bottom Line

This movie is not only a rollicking good time but is also filled with heartfelt lessons that can be attributed to many aspects of your own life. Like honour. And confronting obstacles. But not the whole walking around in red diapers thing. This is apparently frowned upon in modern society.

Ghost Ship - 'Good wholesome terror amongst the open seas.'

Pros
If the poster is this good, imagine how great the movie will be


Cons
Brian Cox is not in it






Full Review

When is a ship not a ship? When it's a ghost ship! A ship that is a ghost. That is the plot of this terrifying new horror flick about a ship that has been ruthlessly murdered and comes back in ghost form to avenge its wrongful death I'm assuming. This is a fantastic film probably! Just the thought alone of a spooky, scary ship returning from the grave to morbidly haunt the ocean is enough to send chills down my spine. Don't get me wrong. A film like this can easily miss its mark. But this film was made with some class. Opting for the use of a scary skull face on the front of the ship rather than the campy bed sheet draped over the hull so common with the genre.

The film is also supported by an amazing, star studded cast. Featuring the likes of Gabriel Byrne, who gave us such memorable roles as the exorcist in The Exorcist and Keyser Soyse In Keyser Soyse's Usual Suspicion, as well as Julianna Margulies who played a hispanic maid on ER. They're combined acting skills should help make your cruise along the creepy seas a horrifying and shocking one. Not to mention 'fun!'. "Welcome to the Ghost Ship, sir and/or madam. How can I help you?" "More chills please."

In conclusion, I would whole heartedly recommend this film to anyone who is looking for some frightfully, good fun. I myself plan on catching this instant horror classic at one of the many luxurious theaters near me very soon. Perhaps accompanied by a young lady with whom I can enjoy a good spook with and may one day carry my seed. But for now, the next time you're out just relaxing in the middle of the ocean minding your own business, keep watching your back.....there may be ghost ships about.

The Bottom Line

Without trying to over-hype it, I'd have to say this film will most likely change your life forever and probably fulfil your every hope and desire.

Madagascar - 'Frolicking good fun without all the fornication.'

Pros
Animal characters' genitalia extremely small and indistinguishable


Cons
Giraffe sounded a lot like that annoying guy from 'Friends'






Full Review

Do you like animated films? No? Well then, you'll love Madagascar! The people at Dreamwords have finally given us a rare glimpse into the everyday lives of some of our most wildest animals. Like lions. And hippos. And Chris Rock. Little did I know what the true nature of animal was until I witnessed what happens when the lights are off and mankind has shut the gates on his metaphorical prison we call "The Zoo" (pronounced 'zu'). It turns out they are fully developed and complex characters. Brimming with dreams and hopes and an incredible gift for song and dance.

Before I saw this film, I'm sad to say, I had always thought rather poorly of our four footed friends. Filthy creatures. Who wallowed in their own feces and devoured their young. But now I can see them for what they truly are. Walking, talking, wise-cracking members of a thriving community who seem to be living a more developed and enriching life than my own. And I say "Well done, animals. Well done indeed."

I would recommend this film to anyone who has ever seen an animal or thinks there may be a chance of seeing one in their future. Then and only then can you truly appreciate what these furry, feathered beasts have to offer us. If only more people knew that by simply leaving a camera on in a room or cage with an animal in it and then walking away, making a point to check that the animal is watching you leave (try tipping your hat and saying 'Goodnight, animal.' as you walk out the door), we would see these theatrical beasts come to life. But alas. This would require the use of hundreds and hundreds of cameras recording footage for literally hours on end. The cost of which would be so staggering that apparently only the top film studios have both the funding and the equipment for this endeavour.

But do not fret. For in the meantime, we have the treasure that is 'Madagascar'. In it there is a lion who tells his buddy the zebra that they should go to the jungle, which they do. Afterwards, they sing a song about it. I think there was also some penguins in it. Available at many reputable video shops. As for me, I'll be hiding in my closet with the camcorder on, trying to catch my cat do slap stick on the bed.

The Bottom Line

This is a tremendously fun and wholesome film that I would eagerly share with my children were I still allowed visitation rights.

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial - 'A really good movie often over-looked.'

Pros
Disgusting leathery dwarf-like creature not as terrifying as it may sound


Cons
Too many commercial interruptions





Full Review

This movie is fantastic! A pure gem. I just couldn't get enough of that cuddly little troll. I first came across this hidden treasure on TNT's the Superstation one Sun evening as I was hopping around the channels during a commercial break from Iron Chef. I missed about the first 10 or 15 minutes of the film but I'm pretty sure I got the gist of it. Apparently there's this family that moves into a house in California. Everything is going fine until one night one of the kids discovers that there is a small troll-like creature living amongst them. Eating candy, drinking all their beer and hiding out with a pack of stuffed animals. But don't worry, this isn't one of those menacing child-eating trolls like you find under bridges. This is a friendly troll who likes people and plants apparently. His name is ET which stands for Extraordinary Troll (I'm assuming). I thought the whole story was captivating! The chemistry between the boy and the monster was surprisingly charming. It was a little hard to keep track of the story as I kept flipping back to see if Iron Chef Chinese Chen Kenichi would defend his title for the third straight week in a row but I'm pretty sure I was able to follow the important bits. Supposedly ET and the kid get some sort of disease like ebola or emphysima cause they get really sick and wind up lost in the woods searching desperately for a phone so they can call home and all these doctors in contamination suits try and rescue them. But alas, for it is too late as they wind up in hospital and (*SPOILER ALERT*) ET dies. Then another commercial came on and I switched around and got caught up in Robot Wars for a bit and when I switched back the credits were rolling so I'm assuming that was the end of the movie. Kind of a bummer to end on a down note like that but I still liked it. Definitely taught me a lesson about not judging people by their appearance because they may end up being your best friend and then next thing you know *poof!* they're dead. Life is fleeting, much like ET. Thank you you crazy waddling little goblin for letting us laugh at love.

On a side note Chen Kenichi was able to pull off yet another victory by narrowly defeating the challenger in a cook-off featuring surprise theme ingredient....eggplant.

The Bottom Line

I love this film because ET drinks beer, watches TV and dresses up in ladies clothes....just like me!

The Legend of Drunken Master - 'So mush drinkning and kicking...just like my reel life'

Pros
like having yuor own personel drinking buddy in kung foo form

Cons
Usally pass out in teh middel of my third veiwing





Full Review
This movi e was a blast and a half. I loved to watch it and i watch it againa and again. It is calle drunken master the legend of Jacky Chan. In itt he has super powers from drinking. I did't know you can have super power from drinkin g. But i now i realise tahnks to mr awesaome Jakcy Chan. So Im drinking alot more know. even More than before. im learning that my drinking problem is actyiually a drinking talent,. When i wathc this movie, i has to be drunk. just like jacky. And i watch this move alot. in fact i just watched it aghain nopw so i figure i'll write a reveiw of it to let teh world now how much i love it. I think tehy can too. Espesialy if they are looking for an excus to drink. Or if they need someone to d rink with. Ill come over and drink wirh you if yuo want. i have the movie on vhs so you got to have a vhs machoine. No Beta !!!
so to sum up in a conclusion I recomend everytone to this movie because it is so fantstic. so much kicking and flying. i alwyas kick poeple higher an d punch them hardr when i am drunk too. Its soo good. i think i'll watch uit again right now,..... .. ... But first i thin i should lie down.

The Bottom Line
I fyou like to get druink and yuo like punching and kiscking random strangers then this iss teh movie for you

Freddy vs. Jason - 'Interesting concept'

Pros
Easy to remember title of film

Cons
Promotes senseless violence with controversial term 'VS'







Full Review

When I first heard about this movie being made I thought, 'God! How awful and distasteful to have a movie in which Freddy Mercury and Jason Priestly go head to head in a bloody free-for-all battle of mind and fist!' Then the more I thought about it the more I realized this is exactly the type of film we've been needing for a good long while. I mean who wouldn't want to see the flamboyant and former frontman of Queen and 90210 teenage hearthrob 'Brandon Walsh' smack each other about the face and neck for an hour and a half. Not I! (Meaning it is not I who wouldn't want to see it resulting in me wanting to see it) Then I remembered that Freddy Mercury had passed away some time ago due to tuberculosis or meningitis or something like that, so how on earth would he be available for filming. And it was then that I remembered the magic of 'film digitizing effects and animation'! You could easily get any old actor like Terence Stamp or Peter Sellers to play him and then digitally 'effectisize' him (as they call it in the industry) to resemble Freddy Mercury. And then I thought wouldn't it be great if they computerly enhanced both actors to be more than ten times their normal size and they could crash about the downtown metropolis smashing buildings with their flailing limbs and crushing trucks with their massive feet all while punching each other in the kidneys and scratching each other's eyes out. And I started to get really really excited about the film!! And it was then that a friend of mine told me that it wasn't Mercury and Priestly in a gruesome death match after all but rather Freddy Krueger and Jason from those 'Freaky Friday' movies who would be trying to kill each other and I thought 'that's stupid.' Who the hell wants to see that?

What's a Freddy Krueger by the way?

The Bottom Line
This is definitely a film that has been completed and is available for viewing at many reputable video shops.

The Beatles: Yellow Submarine - 'Finally, an accurate portrayal of the real-life Beatles story.'

Pros
Easy to follow story despite incomprehensible england-ish accents

Cons
Vibrant colors may induce flashbacks...if you were one of the cool kids who did acid





Full Review

When Walter Disney first approached The Beatles in the early 60's and proposed the idea of creating a biographical film of their lives in animated form their initial reaction was one of an astonished 'Cor Blimey!' or as Ringo stated 'That puts me melon in a right kerfuffle.' But luckily for us they agreed. For now we have the beautiful and true-to-life retelling of the fab five's story that is 'Yellow Submarine'.

In this film the animated likenesses of John, Paul, Ringo and the other one bound through the screen in all their animated glory playing through how they first found themselves far from their home planet of Pepperland and stuck on this distant little blue world we call The World. Apparently they are quite the adventurers. They ride about on a floating submarine painted yellow (hence the name of the film....also the name of their national anthem played during the opening credits).

The story begins with a horrific war between the Beatle people and the Blue Meanies which are some sort of mutant totalitarian government. The Beatles are summoned from their secret lair to fight these monsters. However these noble warriors do not fight with swords or hand-grenades but rather with the power of songs and words and love. But it doesn't work. For they are cast out into the emptiness of space. Banished forever and forced to float endlessly through the universe facing many hardships along the way such as growing old incredibly fast and being forced to write a song about it.

Later they find a strange dwarf-like creature who they call a nowhere man and has the super ability to do the combined nothing of ten men. He was kind of an annoying character so I pretty much tuned him out.

Later the Beatles finally find themselves on the planet 'London' (as they believe it to be called, rather then the country London as it actually is). They grow to love their new home and decide to stay. And thank heavens for us they did. For who knows where we would be without these strange minstrels who just happened upon our globe from out of the middle of the cosmos. One shudders to even imagine it. Hell, they may have ended up in Italy. You think those poppy rock harmonics work with a mediterranean accent? You better think again Guido!

The Bottom Line
All Beatles fans should see this film if only for the scene in which they sing of cleaning the palace along with dancing inanimate objects

Labyrinth - 'Definitely not just for stoners.'

Pros
The David Bowie muppet is so life-like it surpasses one's imagination.

Cons
Crushes ones soul upon realization that goblins and midgets do not actually exist.





Full Review

Goodness me! Whoever said that the coupling of David Bowie and Jim Henson was an image too disgustingly foul to even fathom can officially consider him-or-herself crazy. Personally I found the pairing enchantable. To see David Bowie prance about the screen in those hip hugging breeches amongst thousands of rubbery puppets while he sang of kidnapped babies left me in a dreamworld. A world where dwarves and young beautiful actresses can finally co-exist in harmony. Unlike in the real world.

I have been a fan of both David Bowie and Jim Henson since I was a young boy and I've often thought of the prospect of these two icons working together. Perhaps late at night in a stuffy office. Feeling uninhibited enough to maybe loosen a few buttons on their now sweat soaked shirts. And lo, mine prayers were answered. For now we have the wonder that is 'Labyrinth'. When I first looked into those Ziggy Stardust eyes gazing back at me from the screen I too felt like a young Jennifer Connelly. Lost and frightened. Alone in this maze-like world they call 'Labyrinth'. Trying desperately to make my way to this prince so that he and I may join together at last and raise the stolen baby to become King of the Goblin Puppets! While David and I sit side by side upon our thrones which are also puppets. Drinking wine and listening to all his records pre-1994. I also love the way you never see the puppeteers arms....very professional.

All in all I cannot recommend this movie enough. And I am being completely honest in that statement. I have tried recommending it over and over and over again. To friends, family members, cashiers at the grocery store and it is never enough. Some say it has become somewhat of an unhealthy obsession and was perhaps the reasoning behind my girlfriend leaving me. To those people I simply look them in the eye and say 'You remind me of the babe.'

The Bottom Line
Do not let society's harsh prejudices against talking dolls sway you. Not only is their acting both emotional and precise, but they provide excellent backing vocals.

My good chum Raz drew this picture of me......

....and it is still to date the best looking photo of me.


Damn i'm good looking.